I’m beginning to think a formal introduction between my baby and me could have been a profoundly constructive thing to do. Why the formality (or absurdity), you ask? When I dove into this dad thing head first, I began with an implied expectation for a certain closeness between us, as if our relationship must hit the ground running from Day 1. Anything less warm and fuzzy is a piece of damning evidence that I must be a monster.
“I AM YOUR FATHER”
Imagine my perplexity when I found the reality to be quite the contrary. As much as I love this little girl, our father-daughter relationship was nowhere near the fairy tale as promised by the numerous Instagram posts I witnessed. Rather, our experience resembled more of an “arranged” parenthood. Although I had been talking to her every day for months by that point, I was, for all intents and purposes, a complete stranger to her. Naturally, she needed some get-to-know-each-other time to build trust with this guy claiming to be her father.
There’s no point in denying that we got off to a rough start given that I didn’t graduate with a Fatherhood Major. While I was learning on the job, she did not hesitate to let me know in her own words, “I don’t think you have a good handle on this, Dad.” Thankfully, before long we began to grow on each other. Now, I absolutely adore her and if I’m not mistaken, she likes me, too. However, neither of us reached this place in a snap of an umbilical cord. We each took our own journey to find in the other person genuine fondness that rose above familial obligation. I can’t speak for her, but mine was not without many tests of patience, trials, and errors.
Delighted to Make Your Acquaintance
What she doesn’t know about me is that I habitually take a diplomatic approach to personal relationships. I believe in communication, principle, and negotiation. If you think I haven’t been foolish enough to try those on my daughter, think again. They have proven to work with varying degrees of failure, resulting in an array of unfortunate emotions on both sides. During those times, night or day, I couldn’t help but feel that this baby was out to get me. Following that thought was always the immediate lamentation of my impoverished mental state that had driven me to assume she had any intention or understanding whatsoever. All that remained was the cascade of “Why?” that brushed over my brain like waves of sandpaper.
What I didn’t know about her was that she WAS communicating with me, albeit in a far more primal way. (I guess, glass third full?) It took me quite some time to internalize the simple truth that every cry of hers was driven by a need, which she lavishly communicated in the only way she knew how. As I pulled the remaining hair on my scalp, I began to personally witness how that came to be.
“Why are you still crying?” “Oh, you are hungry again. (Even though I fed you not long ago.)”
“Why are you still crying?” “Oh, you need another diaper change. (Third time in the last hour.)”
“Why are you still crying?” “Oh, you are feeling gassy and need extra burping.”
“Why are you still crying?” “Oh, you are over-tired and need some soothing.”
“Why are you still crying?” “Oh, you were merely working on a big brown surprise.”
What If Her First Word Is “WHY”
Of course, I am fully aware of PURPLE crying and colic, which seem like the catch-all terms for every unexplained crying under the sun. I certainly wish my daughter (and us) to be spared from any such agony, but even in those worst-case scenarios, she isn’t out to get me, or bent on depriving me of sleep, or even deliberately being difficult. So, does that realization wave all my distress away when she cries again? Far from it. But at the very least, it points me toward a path to a hopeful convergence on our own special way of understanding, instead of a downward spiral of endless “Why”.
It then occurs to me that all relationships take time and effort to warm up. From strangers to lovers, or colleagues, or partners, we all have poured out considerable patience, understanding, and sacrifice to make these relationships meaningful and fruitful. Maybe it’s just me, but I haven’t experienced that ethereal awakening of fatherhood at the moment I saw my daughter. I did feel joy, wonder, and overwhelming love, but not an automatic awakening. Fatherhood, to me, is another relationship that I resolve to take the patience and time to deepen, strengthen, and sweeten.
So, Let’s Try This Again
Hello,
My name is Dad. Nice to meet you. During your stay on this planet, I will love you, care for you, have fun with you, and guide you in the best ways I know. I hope we enjoy a long and prosperous relationship going forward.
Warm regards,
Dad