The Greater Vancouver Area is well-known for its bountiful supply of hiking trails. If you attempt one per week, it will literally take years to complete all of them. The most famous among those is arguably the Grouse Grind. The name says it all. It’s a grind so make no mistake about it.
Though the trail starts out friendly enough where chatters and laughter abound, that naivety is usually quickly displaced by the deafening realization that the trail is really a trial. The ceaseless march uphill is grueling enough that newcomers can barely manage with two limbs. The scenery is on repeat and leaves you no clue about how far you have come or how far you have to go. After a while, you might start rethinking some of your life decisions, or perhaps life begins to flash before your eyes.
When what seems like an eternity has passed, you might be fortunate enough to see a sign hanging high up on a tree not too far away. What does it say? Could that be it? With a jolt of adrenaline you rush toward it, and see that with mockery and cruelty, it says “1/4”.
It’s a Grind Alright
Slight exaggeration aside, I highly recommend it. The investment in physical exertion pays dividends in accomplishment, exhilaration, and many health benefits. On the gondola ride downhill, I can always look forward to some good food, the comfort of my bed, and hopefully another day of rest.
Parenting for the first month is somewhat like that grind, except afterward I won’t have my selection of a nice meal downtown, or the 8-hour gentle embrace of my mattress, or any rest whatsoever. Instead, I get to climb back up, then down, over and over again.
Few things in life quite resemble the abruptness and intensity of having a newborn. 0 to 60 in one cry, then it’s always on. The one-two punch of cultural shock and identity reset can quickly erode a person’s sense of self, purpose, and any kind of longing. If I allow it, I will lose myself. So perhaps I shouldn’t allow it.
But what can a new dad do? Between the feeding and crying, not much time is left for much else. Nevertheless, with a little creativity and a small budget, that little time can do wonders to keep self and sanity from slipping away.
Bitters and Sweets
Even the most treacherous voyage has its moments of calm. During those pleasant surprises of serenity, my wife and I sometimes brew a cup of coffee or tea and sit down with some sweets and snacks to savor at least something in life. That is when a dash of accent returns to life and reminds us that our days are not doomed to be puréed and strained like uniform tasteless baby food.
I used to pay no attention whatsoever to decaf drinks but now swear by them, because who wants to be too hopped up on caffeine to take a nap when needed? I keep a constant supply of decaf Earl Grey, Chai, and medium roast coffee, all of which are offered at nearby grocery stores at reasonable prices, thankfully.
Occasionally, I reach into the fridge for a can of craft beer or pop a bottle of wine to go with the steak, but never go so far as to “parent under influence”. It’s a moment of rejuvenation, people, not an excuse for indulgence or abuse.
Fill in the Blanks
A new parent spends much of his or her days feeding, burping, pumping (for mothers), and caressing the baby while she sleeps on your chest because everywhere else in the room is lava as far as she cares. I call them semi-idle moments because although I am homebound for the foreseeable future, my mind is free to go places.
Yes, I can spend all of that time on meditation, prayer, self-reflection, and exploration of the shadowy places in my soul to confront my weaknesses, but a man needs a break sometimes. That’s when I rewatch some light comedies, catch up on some audiobooks, or watch someone else play the video games I like because I sure don’t have the time for them.
There’s a bigger world outside where I can’t set foot, so it just has to come and visit. They pale in comparison to what I used to be able to enjoy, but every bit of that relaxation and entertainment can still replenish my sanity and willpower before the next wave hits.
On that note, I can’t recommend reading audiobooks enough, not just to new parents, but to anyone who finds life too busy for them to read printed books. On top of that, there’s a hidden benefit that comes in handy at a surprising place.
You see, I need all the sleep I can get, but sometimes after an intense hour during which my daughter fights against my every well-intended move, sleep just doesn’t happen. I would then turn on the complete Sherlock Holmes novel brilliantly narrated by Stephen Fry which I have read (or heard?) many times. A few minutes into one of Dr. Watson’s journeys, I would be sleeping better than the babe next to me.
Baby Steps toward Productivity
A life devoid of productivity is stressful and demoralizing to me, maybe just me, in its own way. I am not eager to sign up new clients or start a full-time job anytime soon, but I find it highly therapeutic to spend tidbits of my days on side projects, learning a new skill, or anything contributing to the betterment and fulfillment of my family’s future.
Even an errand, something easily perceived as an annoying distraction, can be energizing if I bestow meaning and purpose to it. The 3-hour line-up at the passport office is a precursor to our first trip abroad. The in-depth study into inflation and interest rate paves the way to possibly thousands of dollars worth of income or savings. The grocery runs are synonymous with fresh air, sunshine, and specialty coffee.
I am not aiming to spend contiguous chunks of time away from my child. She’s still my priority. I am not hoping to gain significant progress because I am more likely to be called away from any task a hundred times before I can finish it. Nevertheless, any second devoted to productivity is another tether to my purpose, my calling, and my sanity. Without them, life turns bleak, very fast.
Bond. Just Bond.
Not all contributions toward sanity involve time away from the child. In fact, I find that spending quality time to bond with my daughter goes a long way to improve the quality of all our lives.
It’s necessary to begin with the obvious: babies only tell us when something goes wrong, and never pat us on the back when we do it right. That’s how they are built, which makes sense. But no matter how much it makes sense, that’s not something easy to live with in equanimity, 24/7.
When all the feedbacks we get are negative, it’s crucial to build positive experiences lest we begin to perceive them as infinite-demand-generating machines. Those will continue to grind down even the strongest will and sanity until they are threadbare.
That’s where bonding time comes in. Every time we looked deeply into each other’s eyes, every skin-to-skin time, every hug, and every caress added a few drops to my reserve of patience and made my smile last longer when she kicked and screamed while I serviced her needs. Those deliberate bonding times accumulated into a stronger and stronger positive light on all my interactions with her and helped me to see her truly as my daughter instead of a disgruntled guest.
It Takes a Village to Raise a Child
That’s what they say, but I highly doubt there’s a village where we can pass the kid from house to house while we take a week-long trip to the hot springs. Still, aside from the obvious help I would otherwise get from fellow villagers, there are certain benefits I can reap simply from a supportive community.
Within these communities, I connect with many other new and seasoned parents who share my experience. I can tell them what I go through and how I feel without being judged or misunderstood. They offer me support, prayer, and sometimes great advice. Lastly and perhaps most importantly, I never feel alone on this journey. A community is where the collective strength is greater than the sum of its parts, and suffering far less. If you don’t live in a village, find a community.
Are there others?
Of course. Many more exist that apply to some more than others. These ones are monumental in securing my own sanity, identity, and ability to father my daughter. At the end of the day, I believe parenthood is a fantastic opportunity for someone to change for the better, but not to disappear for good.
~ Du
p.s. No baby harmed in the production of this photo. There’s hardly any coffee left and it’s cold.