A week ago, I clumsily stumbled into my very first Father’s Day. I was grateful for every congratulatory “Happy Father’s Day” coming my way. They meant a great deal to me personally, not for finally becoming a father, but because of you caring that much. What followed those kind wishes was often the question, “So how does it feel to have your first father’s day?” Suddenly I felt dumbfounded because I was utterly drawing a blank inside. I mean, how should a soldier who has enlisted for just 10 days, only managing to not shoot himself on the foot, feel about getting a medal of honor?
Bag of mixed feelings
Between the feeding, burping, diaper changes, gasping of air at the sound of the alarm across all hours of the day, and the endless return to the drug store for diapers and formula, feeling seems to be its own class of luxury. Sadly, the type of feeling that naturally surges when I see the disgruntled, disapproving, and distrustful face of my wailing girl is not one that I wish to attribute to Father’s Day. (To be fair to my baby girl, I suspect most newborns have roughly four facial expressions, those three plus emotionlessness. According to Mayo Clinic’s Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy, social smiles won’t arrive until in a few weeks.)
Or perhaps I’m thinking too much. Maybe all you kind souls waited for was a canned answer, something like “It’s great!” or “Best feeling ever!” or “I’m finally happy and fulfilled!” Forgive me but I do not want to lie to you, especially after you so nicely wished me a happy Father’s Day, so I feel inclined to just say “Sleepy?” then savor your reactions as snacks for my soul.
Happiness is a tricky thing…
Here’s the thing. She is exactly what my wife and I wanted, a healthy girl, and for a bonus, a good-looking one. (I’m so thankful she takes after her mom more.) In my rare enlightened moments, I could see past her insatiable needs unto a life full of potential to explore, to thrive, to bless, to multiply what her parents could offer her, to create, design, and provide, to perhaps become a mother herself if that’s her wish and nail this parenthood thing better than her dad once did, to break limits, to transcend boundaries, and ultimately to boldly live her true and authentic self. Partaking in that journey, is my joy and honor. The net present value of all that joy is what I live and breathe during the brief moments when my head is above the water.
So even though my daughter rarely ever smiles at me, though her 2 AM whimpering sets my heart on knife’s edge, though she becomes practically a projectile bioweapon when her diaper’s down, I am not at all unhappy, not even remotely. I find delights sprinkled throughout my days when I play with her chubby cheeks at the sound of her cooing, or belt out “I Want It That Way” for no reason, or watch her sudden disappointment as she reaches out to my chest only to find that the geometry is all wrong. But at the break of day, when I’ve fed her twice and changed her diapers thrice within the last two hours, when I’m still trying to pacify her hiccup, when the next feeding time is drawing close and my sleep is nowhere in sight, happiness, to be frank, is not the first thing that comes to mind.
An unexpected boon
That’s why I am so thankful that many of you have not only offered understanding and encouragement but also given me the room to feel… ambivalent. You have no idea, or maybe you have the perfect idea, of my relief of not having to upkeep the Hollywoodish glee for having a child while managing the mountainous tasks of keeping a newborn alive the “right” way, especially as a new dad just realizing he has severely underscoped the physical and emotional toll this fatherhood thing exacts.
So how does it feel to have my first Father’s Day? It feels like being thrown into the deep end while trying to figure out how to swim. If I live to see next year, which I have been repeatedly assured I will, perhaps I’ll have a better word for my feeling. Until then, I’ll be over here wildly flailing my limbs to stay afloat, not unlike what my daughter does half the time she’s awake.
~Du
[Photo by Road Ahead on Unsplash]